His honesty was refreshing, though it failed to dull the frustration and feelings of rejection that felt all too common in my relationships.
He was not in a place to date and needed to let God build him from being a boy, into a true man, and that until that happened, he had no business pursuing a wife.
Uuuuuh. There was no arguing with that. But...seriously annoying, right?
I paused for a moment before responding as the words “Typing” appeared above his text message on my Whatsapp.... there was more, and I was hopeful.
Maybe he would tell me that it might work in a while... or that he really liked the possibility of an “us”, when the timing was right. Maybe he would say something that would make me feel special, and wonderful.
He didn’t. Not really.
He told me that he really liked having me as someone to talk to about Jesus, a good Christian friend.
This time my reply was instant as my fingers flew frantically across the screen. The last thing I wanted was to be vulnerable NOW, when I knew that my hopes for our friendship were not reciprocated.
That’s great! I said, adding a smiley face to ensure my tone was chipper. I’m actually not dating until my year serving in missions is over anyways. So yes, totally, let’s be friends.
I put the phone down, buried my face in my pillow and cried.
To be honest the tears weren’t even about him, but in fact were just a reflection of the fact that I consistently put my hopes in other people in order to feel worthy.
But that text message in which I declared my devotion to dating Jesus, which to be perfectly honest, I didn’t really even spend much time considering, would shape not only the coming year, but also would set the trajectory of the rest of my life ( or at least I think that’s what’s happening).
For me, that decision was a spur of the moment thing. I didn’t pray through it, I just did it to protect my own pride, my own heart.
But afterwards...when I thought about it, God just kept nudging me and I began to think...maybe this whole not dating thing...maybe I should try it. Like fully give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like what I was doing now was making me very happy.
You see, although I had been technically single for a while, I had been waiting in over-eager anticipation. I’d dated a tonne...and made some pretty compromising decisions. I had texting buddies, gone on Christian dating websites, and held onto unhealthy friendships for far too long. Not all of those things are wrong in and of themselves, but my motivation was.
I was acting out of fear.
I was doing everything I could to desperately hold onto anyone that would bring me comfort, all the while compromising who I was, and how much my God meant to me. I was not acting like I believed that God really did have His best for me.
And so, I decided to stick with it. I decided to put dating on hold. I decided to finally, once and for all, start acting like I trusted God.
Next, I prayed.
I started praying that God would remove any relationship from my life that was not going to be fruitful. I prayed with open hands.
A funny thing happened...God said yes!
He whispered to me that He was enthralled by my beauty ...and asked me to honour Him, for He is my Lord. (Psalm 45:10-11).
He told me to do my part ...to let go. To walk away, or stand still as they did.
I did. It was hard but I did.
There were tears, but I did it.
With the help of Jesus, my best friend and my saviour, I did it.
And now, six months later, I’m madly in love.
I’m more in love with the one who sustains me, who carries me, the one who loves me and pursues me. I’m learning my worth and my beauty are found in Him, and that he has wonderful, exciting, sometimes difficult, things planned for me. I’m moving forward instead of constantly being knocked down.
I am learning that I have gifts and passions that He wants to use.
I am learning that Christ really is enough.
I still pray for my husband, and still hope, still anticipate meeting him. But it’s different now...because when I do meet him, he won’t define me. I won’t have to prove my worth or desperately try to say the right thing. I will be ready to love more fully and more sacrificially.
And most significantly, I will know that as important as he may be in my life, it is my God who will sustain me, step by step, into glory.
I can’t wait to see what God has in store. I will cherish each and every second of my singleness, (even the crappy, lonely, frustrating ones), because these are moments of purity with God that cannot be replaced. And when he brings me to my husband...I pray it will be one more page that He is writing in the story of His Kingdom.
What about you....
What brave things have you done lately, accidental or not?
Do you remember a time when you knew it was totally God sustaining you?